


Can't change my heart.

by LJT



Series: it could be love. [1]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Falling in Love with best friend, Feels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-01
Updated: 2018-02-05
Packaged: 2019-03-12 10:25:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,618
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13545408
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LJT/pseuds/LJT
Summary: Lexa didn't want to fall in love with her best friend.But she did.And now suddenly everything's different. But is it wrong, too?





	1. 1

**Author's Note:**

> hey :)  
> so my evening plans got canceled and I made good use of the time. Here's the outcome. 
> 
> It's not a happy and fluffy story for about... four chapters? Be warned :)
> 
> Thoughts, Feedbacks, ... welcomed :)  
> Love,  
> LJT.  
> \----

I wasn’t supposed to fall for her. I wasn’t supposed to fall for her smiles or her cute freckles or her dimples or the sound of her laughter or the way her hips sway to the beat or for her azure blue eyes, that could see right through all the layers I protect myself with.

But I did. 

It’s supposed to be simple, right? You meet someone, you fall in love, you get to be happy. 

But life doesn’t work this way.

I’ve been sitting here next to her for the past hour, trying to pretend, that I’m focused on the movie, while I’ve been watching her.

Things have been awkward between us for weeks now.

It all started when we went to Ravens party about five months ago – the one she’s been doing the forth year in a row at her house with the really nice pool in the backyard.  
It was a hot summer night in august. The air was warm and smelled like barbecue and beer and the sky was so clear, that even though we were in the middle of the city, you could see millions of stars.  
We played that stupid highschool game truth or dare, because why not, and even though I always hated it, I played along, because everyone else did and I didn’t want to be the party pooper.

That was, until Raven dared Clarke to take a body shot of me. 

I mean, yes, it’s quite the cliché. 

I’ve always had this tiny little crush on my blonde best friend. 

Because she’s gorgeous and funny and makes these stupid bad jokes and she knows me like the back of her hands. She’s sexy to the moon, with legs for days and curves to die for. I don’t know, how she does it, but her hair’s always perfect. 

I’m a fucking lesbian with eyes, so of course I crushed a little, when we hit puberty. 

And when I came out to her, she just said: “Okay. Can we watch the movie now?”

God, I was so afraid. And she just acted like nothing’s changed. 

Back to the party. I thought, it’s nothing special. We’ve always been close, we’ve slept in the same bed for at least one night a week, we’ve kissed before during games or to get rid of guys or girls, who were hitting on one of us. Best friends’ duties. 

But the second her hot tongue traced an invisible line from my navel upwards, my breath hitched. Fuck. It felt so unreal and so amazing. I needed all my willpower to not moan. And then her lips touched mine, just for a second. 

Since that second, I couldn’t look at her the way I did before. I tried hard to get her out of my head. To replace her with another girl in my fantasies. 

And then, a few days before Christmas, we were out dancing in our favorite club. We danced for hours and every step she took, every sway she did with her hips… It had send me into overdrive.  
When we finally left the club, both of us were too drunk to walk straight – Clarke stated, that I can’t walk straight, because I’m gay as fuck. We giggled all the way up to her apartment and when I leaned against the wall next to her door, while she fumbled with her keys, suddenly our eyes locked. Clarke stopped her movements and before I knew it, she grabbed my face and crashed her lips into mine without a warning.  
We stumbled into her living room a few minutes later, bodies pressed against each other, lips still connected. God, I was so turned on. 

But I stopped her. 

Because our friendship means the world to me. 

Because she doesn’t want me the way I ache for her. 

Because she’s straight. 

She said the next morning, that she couldn’t remember anything and wondered, where the hickey on her neck came from. I said, I didn’t know either – but I’m guilty. Fuck, I marked my best friend. 

Ever since, there’s been this… awkwardness. I can’t sleep next to her, because she cuddles up against me and my thoughts aren’t strictly friendly anymore. They include a lot of sexual things and I shouldn’t have them. 

But on Friday, exactly two week ago, we’ve been having a movie night. I dozed of in the middle of it, because I had a tough day at work and her choice in movies is particularly boring most of the time. When I woke up, the credits already rolled on the screen. 

But its more about, what woke me up – because Clarkes lips had been grazing my pulse point. When our eyes met, I could feel a knot of fear and guilt form in my stomach, but before anything else happened, she kissed me softly. Just a short peck on the lips, but it felt wrong. Hell, she just went on a date with this guy I can’t stand and then she kisses me?

So I told her, we should get some sleep. And we did. Okay, she did.

Last week I found an excuse to cancel our movie night – for the first time in years. But I couldn’t be close to her and listen to her talking about that guy. 

I’m staring at her, sitting across the couch. 

She’s got her hair up in a messy bun – the one, that took her years to learn. I remember her squealing excited, when she finally got it right and the memory makes me smile. 

This version of her – comfortable clothes, little to no makeup – is the one I love the most. This is my Clarke – my oldest and best friend. 

We didn’t cuddle today and that’s been saving my ass so far. But my fingers itch to touch her and my whole body is tensed, burning and aching to be close to her.

Of course I had to fall for my straight best friend. Because this hurts the most and in some weak moments, I tell myself, that it’s okay. That it’s going to pass. That I like the pain, because this way I can still be close to her. 

But nevertheless, I can’t keep it to myself any longer.

“Clarke, I can’t do this anymore.”

Confused blue eyes meet mine. “What do you mean?”

“You know what.”

“No, Lexa, I don’t.” She stops the movie and moves around, so she can face me properly. There’s worry and fear hidden in her wonderful eyes. “You have to say more than that.”

“We kissed.” 

Surprise flashes over her face, but it’s gone within the blink of an eye. 

“Yes. And?”

Is she kidding right now? Wow, I thought, I deserved better than that. 

“See, that’s the point. Damn, we kissed.” 

“Lexa, I thought… We’ve been friends forever. No big deal, right? I mean, it sort of happened. Weeks ago. Why are you bringing this up now?”

“No big deal?” I repeat. Is she for real? “You don’t just kiss your best friend and we’ve kissed three times.”

She hesitates for a split second, probably to count herself. “Yeah, you didn’t really stop me-”

“So it’s my fault?” 

She buries her face in her hands. “No, that’s not what I meant, I… Damn, Lex, can we just… blame it on the alcohol and-“

“Last time we both were sober.” I state as a matter of fact. 

Damn, we made out against her apartment door. We kissed on that damn couch. She sleeps over in my bed in nothing more than a shirt and panties. When we danced in the club… no, I won’t start.

I can’t shake the feeling, that she’s been using me to explore herself and that feels wrong. Just because I’m a lesbian, doesn’t mean, that she can explore her sexuality and stuff with me. I’ve got feelings and I won’t pretend like nothing happened between us. 

Because we’re fucking best friends and everything was going great, until she came along and started to put these little thoughts in my head, which I don’t want there. I want my best friend back.

Clarke blushes and avoids my gaze. Is she ashamed? 

Wow. 

_Shit. That hurt._

“You know what, forget it.” I tell her. “I can’t do this right now.”

I get up and grab my jacket. I’ve got to get out of here, before I break something or do something stupid – like confess my feelings. Maybe they’re just imagination? I mean, it could be, right?

“Lex, please, wait-”

I slam the door, not even hearing her lame excuse. As I get into the elevator, I’m so angry, that I punch the wall. 

Fuck. FUCK!

 

\-----

 

“Who pissed in your cheerios?” Octavia asks, when I return home an hour later and pull myself a glass of whisky first. I tried walking it off, but it isn’t working.

“Fuck off, O.” I know, she hasn’t done anything. But I’m not in the mood right now. 

“Easy tiger.”

“Just stop, okay?”

Well, Octavia Blake is a lot, but not one to listen. 

“Why aren’t you at Clarkes? Movie night?”

I down my whisky, slam the glass on the kitchen surface and leave the room wordlessly. 

The way Clarke acted, hurt me. Because of course I had to fall for my best friend slash the straight girl, who just wanted to explore herself and is ashamed of it afterwards. God, I’m so stupid.

I let myself fall face down onto my bed and scream into my pillow. Why did I have to say something? 

Thirty seconds later someone knocks.

_Oh, for fucks sake._

“I thought, maybe you want some ice for your knuckles?” Octavia asks carefully. She waits by the door, until I turn around and sit up. 

“Thank you.” I take the ice and put it on my bruised knuckles. Let’s just say, punching the elevator isn’t the best idea I had today. 

“Can I ask, what happened?”

“We had a… fight?”

“A fight? You and Clarke? When has that ever happened?”

It’s a rhetorical question, because Octavia knows the answer, because we grew up together. Never. Not once in all those years. We never fought, at least not like that. 

“Wanna talk about it?” 

I shake my head and bury myself in my pillows again, trying to ignore the ache in my heart and the burning in my eyes.


	2. 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for the Feedback! <3  
> and for reading!

Clarke calls me the next morning. 

I don’t pick up. 

I’m still angry at myself. And hurt. When she’s so ashamed of it, that she can’t even talk about it, why did she kiss me again? Was that some stupid game she played?

She texts me a few seconds later. 

**07:31**  
**Clarke: pick up you idiot. I know, you’re staring at your phone.**

No. I’m not. 

Next she’ll try the name-card.

**07:34**  
**Clarke: Lexa.**

Nice played, but not enough to make up for the hurt.

**07:42**  
**Clarke: Answer me at least, so I know you’re safe.**

So now she’s trying the mom-card. Next stage will probably be the angry one. Great, that makes two of us.

**08:03**  
**Clarke: Are you for real?**

See? Right.

**08:04**  
**Clarke: Some time we have to talk about it. You can’t avoid me forever.**

No one ever said, that she’s a patient person. But she’s persistent.

**09:21**  
**Clarke: okay, I thought, maybe you’re still sleeping. But by now, you should be awake, so text me back, you asshole!**

**09:22**  
**Clarke: I’m sorry for the asshole. But still, please.**

“Just to check the state we’re in. Do we avoid Clarke all day or can I talk to her?” Octavia asks me, when she’s finally leaving her bedroom around eleven o’clock. “Because she’s been texting me about you.”

“You don’t have to avoid her. I’m going to go to the hospital for a few hours and then I’ll be going out tonight. Just wanted to let you know.”

I know it’s wrong. I know, I should talk to her. That there’s still a chance, that she wasn’t ashamed, but confused or whatever. 

Damn, I know all of it.

But I know, I would start crying. Because I’ve been desperately keeping those feelings bottled up and locked away for months and now it feels, like they’re everywhere. 

Everywhere I look, in every little thing in my apartment and… 

I'm screwed.

“Hospital? You’ve got no shift this weekend.”

“And?”

“Tell me, what’s going on.”

My phone chimes again. 

**11:04**  
**Clarke: I’m coming over.**

“Nothing.” I tell my roommate. 

“And because of nothing, you’re ignoring your texts?”

“You can ask her that in a few minutes, she’s coming over. And I’ll be gone by that time.”

“You’re acting like a child.” She states. 

Yeah, maybe I am. 

Either way, I grab my keys and my jacket and take the stairs to avoid meeting her – just in case. 

I need some time to clear my head. 

I know, she didn’t exactly mean to hurt me, but nevertheless she did. 

Fifteen minutes later, when I reach Arkadia Medical Hospital, I look at my phone to find a few new messages from Clarke, most of them sound really pissed.

**11:21**  
**Clarke: you actually left?!?! Fuck you!**  
**Clarke: We had a little fight and you’re running off? Really??**  
**Clarke: god, you’re so childish sometimes!**

**11:22  
**Clarke: you know what? Call me, when you’re ready to act like an adult again.****

I lean my head against the mirror and blink away my tears. 

Out of all the girls I could fall for, it had to be her. My best friend. No going out, no one-night-stand is going to change that. 

\----

“You and Clarke kissed? Why didn’t you tell me that?” Octavia exclaims, when I stumble back in our shared apartment around midnight. 

I had a few drinks. Just a few. Or maybe too many? 

She’s been waiting for me, wearing some old sweats, watching old episodes of Navy CIS.

I pull of my jacket and kick of my shoes. “So she told you.” 

“Yes. Why didn’t you? And why did you run out on her?” 

“Because she was ashamed? Because she wanted to forget and I…” What? 

“You what?”

I sigh. “Can we talk tomorrow? I’m tired and drunk and-” 

“In love with your best friend.” She finishes my sentence. 

“I… what?” 

“Shit.” 

From the serious look on her face, there’s no point in denying anymore, so I don’t even try. 

“I’m not in love with her. I just…” 

"You like her as more than just a friend.” 

“Yeah.” God, it feels good to say it loud. Good and wrong at the same time. How’s that even possible? 

“You liked those kisses.”

“Yeah.”

“You keep thinking about them.”

“Yeah.”

“You picture her naked.”

“Yeah. Wait, what?”

Octavia’s laughing hard, especially when I’m blushing. “Gotcha!”

I let myself fall onto the couch beside her and look at the screen. Season seven. Great season. For a while none of us says something and we watch the current episode together. 

“She hurt you, didn’t she?” Octavia asks all of the sudden. 

“She didn’t mean to.” 

I know that by now. Nonetheless it still isn’t less painful.

“But she did?”

I nod. 

“Why don’t you tell her?”

“And sacrifice our friendship?” I ask and look at her. “What I’m feeling… it’s not just some crush and she’s straight, so… It would ruin everything. I can’t do that. I won’t.”

“Maybe it would. But not telling her would although ruin it.” 

Yes. This is exactly why I shouldn’t have talked about it in the first place. 

“Oh Lex. I'm sorry.” 

“Why? It’s not your fault, that I'm stupid.”

“Still.” She insists. “You know, you can’t avoid her forever?”

I appreciate it her trying to help. I really do. “But I… I can’t see her right now either. I just… can’t.”

What a fucked-up situation. 

“Do you miss her?” Octavia asks after another few silent minutes of watching the show. 

“Yeah. Like hell.”

On a normal day, we text at least ten times and call each other at least once. Of course I miss her. Even though I saw her just twenty-four hours ago. 

“Then call her. Tell her, that you need some time. Doesn’t she deserve it?”

“She kissed me, O. Sober. And then she pretended like nothing ever happened. I'm not sure, if she deserves anything right now.”

Does that make me the bad guy? Probably.

“But you do.”

I smile sadly at the brunette next to me. “Thank you.”

“I'm just saying the truth. Should I tell her?”

“No.” I shake my head. “It’s my job.”

“Good girl. Want to watch another episode?”

I just nod. 

 

\-----

 

Sunday evening. 

That’s when I give in. 

Yes, she didn’t try again and maybe she should’ve, because she knows, she hurt me. But I… I just want to hear her voice. 

“Lex.” She exhales on the other side of the phone, clearly relieved. “You waited two full days.”

I don’t say anything. 

Yes, and I would’ve waited even longer, if I had the willpower. 

Clarke understands the silence for what it is. I'm willing to listen, but she has to say something first. 

“I'm sorry.” She starts. “I shouldn’t have… avoided the topic. And I'm sorry, that I kissed you and tried to ignore it. I'm… sorry. I don’t even know, why I did it. I just… I miss you, Lex. And I need you.”

It’s not enough to take away the pain. Not even close. But it has to be. 

“Okay.” I say quietly. “I'm sorry too.” _For falling in love with you._ Am I?

“Are we good?” It’s easy to hear the fear in her voice and it nearly has me crying. 

“We will be.”

Clarke sighs and then there are a few other noises, but they can’t cover up the one sound, that makes my heart break a little. Clarke’s sniffing. 

“Good night, Lex.” She says, before she hangs up. 

She doesn’t even wait for an answer, but I give her one nevertheless. “Good night, Clarke.”


	3. 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading :)
> 
> AND: when this one's finished and you guys want to, I could do the whole thing from Clarkes POV? Maybe?

Two weeks. 

That’s exactly, how long I haven’t seen or spoken to Clarke. 

She doesn’t try and I don’t either. 

_We will be._ I told her. Then why does it feel, like nothing’s ever going to be okay?

Fourteen days. 

It’s Friday evening and we’re supposed to celebrate Octavias birthday. 

Supposed to, because I'm not in the mood for a party, especially not one at our place with a bunch of people. Okay, not with Clarke, while we’re not really talking. 

For a few days, I could convince myself, that I'm just crushing a little harder on her, than I did all those years ago. That I'm just jealous of Finn – who’s a great guy by the way, which I could admit, if he didn’t date Clarke – because he takes some of her free time, because he makes her laugh. 

But that didn’t last long. 

And now I'm back to truth. I fell in love with my best friend – maybe years ago, maybe five and half months ago. Does it matter?

So the loud music and the smell of beer, the people and above all Clarke and her date – nothing’s worth leaving my room. 

It worked for the last hour, since the party started. I’ve buried myself in a lot of books, trying to focus on things I already know. 

Then there’s a knock on the door. 

“Lex?”

I close my eyes, trying to fight the sting in my stomach. 

“Lexa. Why don’t you join the party?” Clarke tries again. She sounds sad. I don’t want to make her sad.

I'm not letting her in. But she’ll do it herself, if I don’t leave the room. 

Just when she’s about to open the door, I'm doing it. 

“Hey. I was just finishing up.” I tell her, with a big, bright, fake smile on my lips. 

She doesn’t buy it. She doesn’t say a word.

“Want something to drink?” She asks, handing me one of her cocktails. “It’s a new one.”

“Sure, thanks.” 

And I down it within two minutes. Shit. It’s good. 

“You okay?” 

“Yeah. Just thirsty. Gotta catch up, right?” I say, before I leave for the kitchen to grab another drink. Something harder. 

I can feel her eyes on me, but I try to ignore it. 

After my third drink, I'm feeling better. At least enough, to join some conversations and to ignore Finns face, that seems to be everywhere. 

He’s one of the good guys. He’s funny and intelligent and he treats her right. But whenever my eyes notice him, he’s holding Clarkes hand, or he’s got an arm around her waist and she’s always smiling. 

Sometimes she catches my eyes and every time it feels like a punch in the gut. 

She brought him to the party, so… it seems to be serious. Usually her dates don’t last long enough, to be invited. 

I’d know how she feels about him, if I could only talk to her.

But I can’t. And I hate my life. Myself. 

Fuck.

“Hey Lexa!” A familiar voice calls for me. 

I turn around and see a blonde, tall woman walking towards me, a beer in her hands. 

“Costia! How you’ve been?” 

The woman engulfs me in a hug. “Great! It’s good to be back, though. I’ve missed you guys.” 

“How long has it been? Three years?”

She just takes a short step back and leans in a little, so I can hear her over the loud music. “Yeah. I ran into Octavia the other and she invited me over. I hope that’s okay.” 

Costia and I used to date back in highschool. We split up, when she went east and I went west, but we stayed friends. 

“Sure! So you’re back for good?” 

“Yeah, I’m starting work next month.”

We talk about work and the last years for a while, reminiscing, sharing old stories and laughing, when suddenly a hand grabs mine from behind and I'm faced with Clarke the next second. 

Blue eyes stare into mine with so much fierce, that I'm speechless.

“Can I talk to you for a second?” She asks, but it sounds more like a demand, than a question.

“Hey Clarke.” Costia says smiling. 

“Cos.” She greets the other blonde briefly, but her eyes keep focused on me. 

I'm to surprised to say no.  
So I find myself following her towards the bathroom, her hand still holding mine, until she’s closed the door behind us. 

She’s so damn close right now. 

“You can’t keep avoiding me.”

“What do you want me to say? You’re here with Finn.” I tell her, but that could give me away, so I have to add something. “So I'm not going to have that talk now.”

“No, you don’t understand. I… God, I miss you, Lex. I…”

“You what?” I ask angrily. She’s dragging me all the way to this damn bathroom and now she can’t even tell me, why? “Why don’t you say, what you want for once, Clarke? It isn’t that hard.”

“I WANT YOU, OKAY?!” She exclaims desperately. “I _miss_ you. I can’t stop thinking about you and I… I want you. _I want you._ ” Her voice breaks a little.

 

\---------------------

 

“You don’t want me.” I say and swallow the shock, before it can get to my brain and do some damage.

It’s a self-defense-reflex, but I need it, because I don’t want my stupid heart to get it’s hopes up, just to be broken. 

“How do you know?” She answers stubbornly. 

She needs to understand. She needs to know, that I'm serious. There’s no other way she’ll stop playing games with my poor heart. 

Slowly I take a step forward, my heart pounding in my chest, like it might burst.  
I back her up against the washing machine and my hands find their way to her hips. Without thinking twice, I lift her up and set her down, standing between her legs now. 

“Lex, what… what are you doing?” She whispers. 

“You don’t want me.” I whisper firmly, looking straight into her eyes, while my hands rest on her thighs. It feels like I'm touching fire and it takes everything in me not to break. To burn. “You don’t.” 

And with that I crash my lips into hers. 

I kiss her, like I'm out of oxygen and she’s the air. I kiss her, like my life depends on it – desperate and needing.

I kiss her, how I never kissed anyone before.

She returns it immediately and her hands tangle in my hair, pulling me closer, even if it’s just on pure instinct. 

My lips move determined and fierce against hers, taking, what’s never going to be mine. 

As abruptly, as I initiated the kiss, I pull back, leaving Clarke breathing hard, with swollen lips and smudged lipstick.

She looks so beautiful in the dim light, with those blue eyes staring at me completely lost.

I stare at her for seconds. Minutes. Hours. 

I don’t know.

It takes everything in me to finish, what I wanted to say before. Because my mind is blank and my heart feels empty and so fucking hollow, as if I’ve given everything of me away with this kiss.

Maybe I have.

“You don’t want me.” I repeat quietly, stepping back a little, before I lose my mind completely. “At least not the way I want you, Clarke.”

Her blue eyes look sad and confused. They seem to be trying to understand, what just happened. 

“Lex, you-” She tries, but there’s nothing she could say. Nothing that could change the truth. 

“You’re with Finn.” I tell her, feeling like I need to remind her of that. “And I’ll get over it eventually. Just… just give me time, okay?”

Slowly she nods, stopping herself from reaching out.

Before she can do or say anything else, I lean in again and press a light and gentle kiss to her forehead, letting my lips linger longer on her skin, then necessary. 

Without looking back at the blonde woman, who feels completely lost right now, I'm leaving the bathroom. 

My mind is running wild. Every fiber in my body is burning, high on adrenaline. 

I decide to leave the party, because after putting my heart on the line like that, I can’t bear to look at Clarke or Finn or anyone else. 

The only problem is, where to go. 

The roof. 

I’ve got a fear of heights, but when I stay away from the edge, it should be okay. It has to, because no one will look for me there. 

Only, when I'm sitting up there, legs pulled up close to my chest, I allow myself to cry. 

It’s been the right thing to do – but why doesn’t it feel like that? Why do the right things hurt the most? 

It’s so unfair. 

I wasn’t supposed to feel, like I had just said goodbye to her. 

I wasn’t supposed to fall in love with her. 

It’s just wrong. 

Everything is so fucking wrong.


	4. 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey, sooo. A few of you said, that Lexa's acting stupid for not letting Clarke talk. Did she? Did Clarke try enough? It's hard to tell, because we've only got Lexas POV here.  
> I'm going to try writing a second part on that - with Clarkes POV. Not sure, if I'll be able to do it this week, but if you hit subscribe, you should get a notification. i think? 
> 
> And: thanks for the Feedback, the kudos and everything. It's what keeps me going. <3
> 
> Love,  
> LJT.

...

“Tell me you didn’t.” Octavia greets me the next morning, when I get back home. Or downstairs. “Tell me, you didn’t kiss her.”

So Clarke told her. And probably Raven. I'm not sure, if I'm okay with that. I think, it’s something between her and me – just her and me. But I have to be. 

“Sorry, I can’t.” 

“You were supposed to talk with her!” She exclaims. 

Nevertheless, she hands me a cup of coffee, which I take gratefully. 

“Why? This way she knows exactly, where I'm standing.”

“Yeah, but did you have to do it like that?” She asks sighing. “I mean, don’t you think, it would’ve been better, if you’d just told her, instead of kissing her and running out on her?”

“Better for whom?” 

“Don’t know. For anyone? You took her by complete surprise with that.”

“Did she tell you that? Because she dragged me towards the bathroom and closed the door and didn't really say anything. She kissed me last time. I guess, we’re even.” I answer, a little annoyed. “And it’s not about everyone else. It’s about me and my feelings for her.”

“But you’re so called feelings influence the whole group.”

“Why?” I don’t get it. This has nothing to do with her or anyone else.

Octavia rolls her ice blue eyes. “Are you that stupid?”

“I'm not. I'm just trying to be honest. That’s what you told me, remember?” I say, finishing my coffee and letting myself fall down onto the couch. “Can you stop now? All I want is to get over it and get back to normal again.”

She snorts. 

But that’s it. She doesn’t pressure further. 

She doesn’t tell me, how Clarke took it either. How she feels or how she’s doing. She doesn’t even say her name and I don’t ask. 

\-----

For the next seven group events I'm not on board. 

Neither for the movie night, nor the cooking night, nor the yearly football game we normally do every first weekend in March, nor any other activity they do.

I just can’t. 

I'm taking shifts for colleagues, whenever it’s possible. I'm doing research and classes and I busy myself with so much work, that Octavia doesn’t even ask me about joining, because I'm walking into our apartment like a zombie. 

And whenever if got time to breathe, I think about her. 

About those lips. How the felt on mine. 

About her perfume, that’s missing in my apartment or my bed or in general. 

About her laughter, echoing through the stairway.

About her shoes next to mine. 

About her complaints about the peperoni on her pizza, which she ordered, only to give them to me, because I love them.

About her stealing my hoodies. 

About her jokes and her bad music taste. 

About everything. 

I miss her. Every little detail. 

It’s been nine weeks since that kiss and nothing changes. She’s still on my mind, when I wake up and she’s the last thought, before I sleep. 

-

It’s Friday night and everyone’s going out tonight. 

I told Octavia, I’d head back to the hospital, but it isn’t true. I just need a night off. A night for myself. To feel. To pity myself. To get wasted on my own.

I'm in the shower, when she heads out. 

I've been there for at least half an hour, just to avoid talking to my roommate. 

I put on some sweats and my old Stanford hoodie – the one Clarke likes to steal - and make myself a home on the couch, with a bottle of Whisky and some chips. 

Pretty sad.

It would be great to be able to share my feelings with someone, but the sad truth is, that all my friends are hers, too. And she’s talking to them, so I can’t. 

I tried to busy myself to forget or at least to repress the thoughts, but it clearly isn’t working.

So I put on something familiar, something that usually makes me feel good, and I pour myself a glass or maybe two.

Two episodes of Navy CIS and three drinks later, there’s a knock on the door. 

Groaning, I get up. 

“Octavia, I swear, if you forgot your keys again, I-” It’s not Octavia. I swallow my surprise and blink again. 

She’s still here.

“Clarke.”

“Hey.” She says.

She’s wearing a dark blue hoodie, hands in it’s front pocket. Her blonde hair is pulled up in a messy bun and she’s wearing no makeup. She hasn’t been out with the others. 

“What are you doing here?” 

“It’s Friday.”

“And?”

“I… Are you up for a movie night?”

She’s unbelievable. 

“Clarke, I-”

“Okay, wait. I know, this feels wrong. Give me a minute.” She interrupts me, holding up a finger and furrowing her eyebrows, as she’s thinking. “I'm trying to remember my speech.”

Speech? 

I wait patiently. 

Not patiently-patiently. On the outside I'm cool. But on the inside? I'm freaking out. 

Because she’s here and she’s looking so beautiful, without even trying to, and I notice, that I'm so freaking in love with her, that it’s not even scary anymore.

Shit. I'm in way deeper, then I thought. 

“If you want me to go, because it’s a strange situation, I’ll go, but… I know, you’re not talking to anyone. And… I know, that you’re holing yourself up in there and your work and that you need your best friend, so… I'm trying to be. I… I want to be there for you. If you let me. If you want me to.”

Somewhere between “not talking” and “I want to be there for you” I started crying. 

It’s like she pushed a button and opened the flood gates. 

Blue eyes full of despair and sadness look at me. “Can I… hug you?” 

I hate, that she’s acting so careful around me, so distant and insecure. 

But I’ve missed her familiarity, her warmth and the comfort of her arms, so I nod and she wraps her arms around me, holding me close on my doorstep for a while. 

Here she is, comforting me because of herself. 

She’s right. It is a strange situation. 

But she’s although my best friend and it doesn’t hurt enough to keep my distance. So I pull back and let her in.

Wordlessly I put in the DVD she brought – some action movie, where terrorist seize the white house. It’s the right choice. Not much content and no romance. 

We don’t talk for the next to hours. 

I'm nursing my drink, while she sits on the other end of the couch. 

When the credits roll, it feels like a deja vu. 

I mean, what exactly are we doing here?

“Clarke, I…”

“It’s okay, Lex, you don’t have say anything. I'm here for you, if you want that.”

“I shouldn’t have kissed you. I'm sorry.” I am not. At least not completely. 

Clarke smiles, reaching out her hand, until I take it. “You don’t have to be sorry for that. You expressed your feelings.” 

“Feelings, I shouldn’t have.” I mumble quietly. 

She doesn’t deny it. I give her time for that, because a stupid part of my heart still hopes, no prays, that she might love me back. 

I can sit here all night, pretending, that nothing’s changed, but… everything has changed. And whatever we’re trying to do here, it isn’t working. 

When my eyes meet hers, I know, that she feels it, too.

“Lex, I…” Her voice breaks. “I don’t want to lose you.”

-

Her words make me angry. 

Does she think, she’s the only one losing someone? We’re in this fucked up friendship together after all! 

“How’s that supposed to work? I can’t pretend, that I'm not in love with you!”

Her face pales. 

_Okay, a kiss was one thing. But telling her, that I'm in love with her? Shit._

“In… love?” She gasps. 

“Yes, Clarke, I'm in love with you. I love you. And you’re not in love with me, and that’s okay.” I exhale audible. It feels so good to finally say it. “But there’s a big fat elephant in the room and we can’t pretend, like it’s not. Because I'm not sure, I can be close to you right now.” I tell her, looking straight into her blue eyes. “I want to, but… it hurts. And it isn’t your fault, I don’t want you to think that, but I… maybe…” _God, why does it have to be so hard?_ “Maybe you should go.”

I'm fighting my tears by now. But once one breaks free, a silent stream follows the first, running down my cheeks freely. 

I don’t want her to see the tears I'm crying because of her. Because she will feel guilty and she hasn’t done anything wrong. Except maybe being straight.

It’s easy to see, that my words – or the truth behind them – hurt her. But I need to be selfish for once. I need to protect my heart.

“Lex, I'm sorry. I didn’t mean to make it any harder for you. I just want to be there for you.” She says in a pleading tone.

“I appreciate that. I do. It was sweet of you, to come over, but I… I need you to go. Please.” I can literally see, that my words – or the truth behind them – hurt her. 

But I need to be selfish for once. I need to protect my heart.

She shakes her head, again and again. “I'm not going to leave you like that.” 

Fine. Then I'm going. 

I slam the door shut behind me and kick against my bed. 

FUCK!

I sink to the floor, back against the door and legs pulled up, feeling like all strength has left me. 

“Lex.” She says quietly on the other side. “Lex, please.” She begs. “Can I do something for you?”

“No.” I manage to say through gritted teeth. 

She can’t. And that’s the brutality behind the whole thing. Because I know, she wants to hold me and comfort me.

Isn’t it the most cruel thing in life that a heart can keep on beating, as if nothing has changed, after your heart breaks? It can feel as might burst and it can ache as if it will implode in your chest, but still the steady beat continues.

It’s silent on the other side of the door, while I'm trying to fight the sobs. 

Then she’s talking to someone else.

“Hey, it’s me. Can you… come home?”

The person, she’s called, answers something I don’t hear.

“No, nothing happened. I just… Can you? It’s important.” Clarke says, her voice strained. “Thank you. Yeah, I’ll wait here.”

She must have called Octavia. 

And I want to be angry for that – for thinking, that I'm helpless or whatever – but I know, it’s just sweet. 

“Lex? O’s coming home. I… I won’t talk to her about me or you for a while, okay? So… you can confide in her. Talk with her, like you would with me, yes?”

If I only could.

Clarke doesn’t say anything further to me. 

Instead, she leaves as soon as Octavia get’s home again. 

“Lexiloo.” My roommate chants. “Can I come in?”

I scoot away from the door. “Yeah.” 

“Hey.” Octavia says compassionately, as soon as she sees me. She hasn’t seen me cry in a few years, because I'm pretty good at bottling up my feelings. She gets down on her knees and pulls me into her arms. “It’s okay. I'm here. It’s going to be okay.”

Is it?


	5. 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys :)  
> So, that's it. For now. I'm working on Clarkes POV :)  
> Maybe I'll do a few one-shots or something similar afterwards, we'll see. 
> 
> I hope, you're content with the ending, I wrote it in one go and it felt right to me.   
> Let me now, what you think?
> 
> Thanks for reading and for staying on board with this one, if you made it this far. Thanks for the kudos, the comments - anything. <3
> 
> Love,   
> LJT.
> 
> \---

Having someone to talk to helps a lot. 

Octavia doesn’t have to feel caught between to chairs or guilty – even though I do, but on the other hand, Clarke has the rest of the group to share her thoughts or feelings or whatever, so it’s fair, that I get someone to talk, too – and I can be myself at home. 

My miserable self. 

Days pass by in a blur between working and sleeping. 

Before I know it, May is over. 

And then it’s June. Her birthday. I write her a text message, because I can’t bear to hear her voice. She writes a thank you back. Octavia goes to her party. I don’t. 

In July, I'm finally better. One morning I open my eyes and she isn’t the first thing to cross my mind. It’s so good to feel this way and I bask in relief for the whole day. I throw myself into work again – just this time out of happiness. 

Soon, it’s August. It’s been one year, since that body shot. And Raven throws a party again.  
The whole group is coming and I can’t back out.  
It’s the first time, I see her again since… Well. Since the breakup, if you want to call it that. We exchange hellos and smiles and do some small talk. “How are you doing?” and “How’s work?”. Thankfully, we get interrupted soon enough.  
I cry myself to sleep again.

I hate September, before it even starts. Because it’s my birthday soon and I don’t want to throw a party this year. 

-

But on September the third, the evening, before it is my birthday, I throw a party, because Octavia made me. 

I invite the whole gang, their significant others and a few colleagues from work. The new head of cardio, Anya Forrester, who’s become a friend during the last weeks, Luna Rivers, our psychologist, and Echo Winters, who’s an excellent neuro surgeon. 

I invite Clarke and Finn, too. Because I can’t not invite them. But she declines. 

I'm not sure, if I'm relieved or sad. Probably both. 

The party’s great. 

But I'm glad, when it’s over, because it’s the first birthday, since I’ve known Clarke, that I spend without her and the unspoken truth lingers in the air. 

Since I don’t get hangovers, I'm the first one up in the morning. 

People in alcohol induced comatose conditions lie everywhere in my apartment. Luna is sleeping on the carpet. Raven has snuggled up with Anya on the couch. Even Echo, the normally cool and frosty woman is sharing her armchair with somebody – Bellamy Blake, Octavias brother. 

I can’t remember, when that happened. 

Before I can make myself a cup of coffee, my phone chimes somewhere in the living room. I decide to ignore it, since every person I care about is here (okay nearly), so it can’t be that important. 

But then it chimes again and I'm curious. It takes me a few minutes to do so, but I finally manage to find in beneath the couch. 

**08:03**  
**Clarke: hey, birthday girl. I wish you the best. <3 I hope, you survived the party? **

**08:06**  
**Clarke: do you… maybe want to go for breakfast?**

And just like that, I miss her again. 

I'm about to type an answer, when she sends another message. 

**08:08**  
**Clarke: I'm sorry, you probably don’t want to. I just… I wanted to talk to you about something. It doesn’t have to be today, though. I hope, you still have a nice birthday. :)**

I sigh. 

If she wants to talk about something, it has to be important. Normally, she avoids serious talks. It’s just who she is. 

I type eight different answers – from a “yes” to a “no” to a “maybe” to an “I don’t know” and back to the beginning – until I decide to send my eight version. 

**08:13**  
**Me: Thank you :) how about grounders? Thirty minutes?**

**08:14**  
**Clarke: see you in 30. :)**

\------

Clarke is waiting by the door, when I walk around the corner of our favorite diner. 

She’s wearing her dark blue leather jacket and her hair is tangling loosely in the wind. I watch her trying to tame it a few times, before she gives up and pulls out her phone to check the time, only to put it back in the pocket of her jeans. Next, she fiddles with the hem of the blue checkered flannel, she’s wearing.

She looks… nervous. 

After a few more silent and secretive seconds of staring (or pining?), I decide to deliver her from waiting. 

“Hey.”

Clarke turns around quickly and I could swear, she wanted to hug me for a second. She doesn’t, and somehow it feels wrong. 

God, I missed her. 

“Hey.” She says in a soft exhale. “You look great!”

“No, you do. I look… tired out.”

She chuckles, while shaking her head. “Are you hungry?”

My answer consists of a smile and a nod. 

It feels awkward between us, but I’ve been craving her presence for months. Being close to her now is… indescribable. 

“How was the party?”

“It was nice.”

“Nice?” She repeats. “That’s shittys little sister.”

“I know. It was great. Raven made out with my new colleague. That was… unplanned.” 

“Really?”

“Yeah. They’re still asleep on my couch.”

The waitress appears and we order our breakfast. Pancakes with syrup for her, pancakes without for me. And coffee for the both of us. 

I try not to stare at her, but I fail miserably. 

The flannel is accentuating the blue of her eyes just the right way. Not, that they’d need it. They’re beautiful in every light, no matter what. 

But it’s not helping, that she keeps staring right back at me. “Happy birthday, Lex.”

And my heart skips about, just because of a stupid nickname. 

“Thank you.”

“Umm… I wanted to talk to you about something.” Clarke says.

I remember. 

She’s saved by the waitress, who brings our coffees. Black for me, while Clarke takes it with lots – LOTS – of sugar. 

After that, she just keeps staring at the mug in her hands, until I can’t take it anymore. 

“Clarke.”

“I'm sorry.”

Yes, we’ve been there already. “Stop apologizing. You just wanted to talk and… you haven’t done that yet.”

“I know.” She sighs and leans back to look at me, eyes blue and deep like a galaxy. “I… I broke up with Finn.”

It takes everything in me, not to choke on my coffee. 

_What?_

“Oh.” Is all I can manage. 

I should probably tell her, that I'm sorry, but I’d lie, so… 

Clarke nods, still focusing on my face, which kind of makes me uncomfortable. “Months ago. To be exact, I did it the day after the party. After we… kissed.” 

Yeah, that is months ago. To be exact, it’s been almost seven months. Seven.

Umm. Why is she telling me that? Now?

“What do you want me to say?”

“Nothing.” She answers, a little cautious. “I want you to listen. I broke up with him, because I didn’t love him. He isn’t the one for me.”

Yeah, I know the feeling. 

I busy my hands with taking the cup again, while I wait for her to continue. 

“Lex, I-”

And then she gets interrupted by the waitress again.

I focus on eating my pancakes, instead of staring at her all the time, but I can feel her eyes on me. 

“Can we talk, when we’ve finished? I… want to do this right.”

Clarke never bothered with being interrupted before, but I nod nevertheless, figuring it wouldn’t be bad to finally know, what she wants to tell me so badly and why that’s making her so damn nervous. “Sure.”

\----

Clarke insists on paying for my breakfast as a birthday gift and I stop discussing after my eyes meet hers. They look so… pleading. 

Somehow, the tension between us has shifted during the last months. 

I know, where I stand – and I've never been more certain about anything. Being close to her is still hard, but it’s although calming. Like she’s the sickness and the medicine, too. 

I can’t be friends with her, but at the same time, I cannot not be friends with her.

I smile, while I think about it. 

Maybe that’s, what love is. It doesn’t make sense. 

It takes a few minutes, after we’ve left the diner, until I notice, that we’re walking to the park. 

It’s an early Sunday morning and we come across a few joggers, but it’s still mostly empty. Quiet. Peaceful.

I watch her fidgeting with the hem of her flannel again, while she’s walking beside me, carefully leaving a few inches between us. 

Normally, she’d be really close. She’s a touchy person, one, who shows affection, whenever she can. 

Silently she motions to a bench and I nod an okay. 

“Lex… I’ve been thinking a lot. Like basically all the time.” She finally starts. “At first I wanted to ignore it and I'm really good at ignoring things, you know that.” She chuckles quietly, before she looks serious again. “But… I can’t stop thinking about it.”

About what?

My confused face seems to be enough for her to explain. 

“The kiss. I can’t stop thinking about how it felt, when you kissed me. Because it never felt like that with anyone before. And I… I meant it, when I said, that I want you.” She says, sounding desperate, but determined at the same time. 

_Like the calm after a storm,_ I think.

Then I realize, what she just said and my head is spinning, as I stare into space, eyes open wide.

Did she just…? 

She did, right? I mean, I didn’t imagine it? That’s not a dream?

She turns her head and smiles, when she sees me staring at her, unbelieving. “Yes, Lex. I want you. God, you have no idea how much.” She says, grabbing my hand carefully. “It took me a while to realize, but I know that now. I want you the same way you want me.”

Clarke smiles, drawing soothing circles on the back of my hand, while I try to understand her words. But her gesture makes thinking really hard. 

I stare at some trees in the distance. 

She wants me? 

Clarke wants me? The same way… 

What? 

Oh my god.

“I thought, we could be friends, like nothing ever happened, when you got over it. And I was angry at you for avoiding me. So damn angry. Because I thought, it was just a crush and that you were acting stupid. I really thought that, Lex, and I'm sorry.” She continues after a few silent moments. “Then you kissed me and I realized, that it wasn’t just a crush. That scared me. It scared the shit out of me, because I liked this kiss. It turned my world upside down.” 

I swallow my shock. 

Never – in a million years – would I have thought, that she might feel the same. 

“I should’ve told you, how I felt, but I panicked. I mean, I… I didn’t expect you to kiss me and to feel like that.” She says, her voice is full of emotions, like they’re battling for dominance. “But when you told me, you loved me, I… I panicked. So I stayed away from you, because I’ve never been into girls like that and you’re my best friend and… I'm not just into you. I… I love you.”

She… 

I have to be dreaming.

But if this is a dream, it’s a pretty cruel one.

I look at her face again. Those full lips, which are trying so hard to smile. Those azure blue eyes, which are full of insecurity. Their expression affects her complete face, so she can’t really smile. 

“Are you going to say something some time?” She chuckles nervously. 

“Umm…”

“Yeah, you have to add some more words to build a sentence.”

“Clarke.” I say, rolling my eyes. But her teasing is working, because my brain is functioning again. “Are you for real? I mean, are you… sure?”

“I just told you, I love you. Of course I'm sure!” She exclaims. 

“Really? It’s not just… I don’t know?”

“No, Lex. I. Love. You.” She says, emphasizing every word. “Those last few months without you, I… It’s been hell. I couldn’t focus on anything. I haven’t made a single painting, that didn’t feature your face or your eyes or... So please, tell me, that you’re still feeling the same, because otherwise it would be pretty ironic and I don’t think, I could ever muster the courage again to pour my heart out. You know, it took me weeks to get here and-”

I have to interrupt her rambling, before she changes her mind. “Yes.” 

“Yes?” She asks, eyes wide. 

“Yes, I still feel the same.”

A bright, bold and beaming smile appears on her face, wiping away all insecurities. “Yes?” 

“Clarke. I love you. I-”

And then she interrupts me in the most beautiful way possible – by crashing her lips into mine. 

Those perfect lips I dreamt about for so long. Those lips, that taste like coming home and flying at the same time. 

And just like that, my heart has healed.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading :)


End file.
